Marriage is not a Board Game!
Ode to Anthony and Holly on their Wedding Day
We’re here for a celebration,
Marriage is its name,
Popular throughout the nation,
But son, it is no easy game!
Finding the love of a lifetime,
Is akin to a quest for treasure,
But today wedding bells chime,
And it gives me the greatest pleasure,
To announce that you two make,
Truly the perfect pair,
You are the icing on the cake,
My boy, Anthony, and his Holly Bear,
She’s made his life complete,
Of that you can be certain,
Who’d have thought that he would meet,
His soulmate at Board Games Club in Burton?!
One glance at her lovely face,
One flash of her lovely smile,,
He was in love!……so he packed his case,
And went to North America for a while!
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder,
And despite the distance between these two,
Though for three months he did wander,
Their love just grew and grew,
Now Holly is a veterinary nurse,
Who is partial to a waif or a stray,
Did she pick a Victory card or a Curse,
When fate sent Anthony her way?
Whatever your opinion,
Marriage was definitely on the agenda,
For they shared a passion for playing Dominion,
And Wednesday night games of Splendour,
I hope that wedded bliss will be as exciting,
About each other you will always be soppy,
And that the fantasy novel Anthony is writing,
Will sell over a million copies,
May bluebells always grow at your door,
Between you may there never be a wedge,
Enjoy the game of love forever more,
Here’s to you both – Mr and Mrs Colledge.
A wedding Rap for Grant and Sal
Now listen up folks, we’d like to say a few words,
A few stories, a few jokes,
It’s our time to be heard,
Cos we’d like to speak about two special people in the room,
Secrets we’ll leak about the bride and the groom,
As we’ve watched their love bloom,
And married life now does loom.
What can we say about vivacious Sal?
Bit of a thug back in the day,
She really was quite a gal,
Being an arse at the local park,
She thought setting fire to the grass was really quite a lark,
Once under cover armed with a lighter,
Today she’s a fun lover and not a fighter,
But on Bonfire night you’d better not invite her,
Cos it wouldn’t take too much to incite her!
Now Grant is a sweetheart, a complete gent,
A Primary School Teacher that was Heaven sent,
Serious about sport, he likes to play by the rules,
So our sort, he thinks, are totally uncool,
Cos we don’t want to know,
We make it up as we go,
How could we stoop so low?
We all got together through a love of Crossfit,
Grant wanted Sal ‘forever’ and knew this was ‘it’,
We love fitness classes, they make us feel fine,
But we also adore several glasses of wine,
Most of all we enjoy a few drinks and dinner,
That’s why we’re never going to get any thinner,
We try to be saints but really we’re sinners.
Grant and Sal’s favourite restaurant it has to be said,
Is an intimate place for two – a ‘picnic in bed’,
Nowhere else quite comes up to scratch,
Even when he decided to pop the question to his perfect match,
Whisked her to a hotel but it wasn’t great,
Then said to his fiancée; “Let’s go home, Mate”
Down on one knee in the kitchen as he just couldn’t wait,
She said yes, they set the date.
There’s something about Grant, you’ll be surprised to learn,
To ride a bike is a dream for which he truly does yearn,
Cos although he is a medal winning sporty sort,
His feet don’t reach the pedals as his legs are too short,
If he sits on the saddle, he gets in a tizzy,
He feels so high up that it makes ho go dizzy,
If Sal’s gonna teach him, she’s going to be busy!
But she’s a hardworking lass, she can do anything,
Give her a task, and she’ll always win,
Whereas she isn’t wedded to a practical guy,
He’s C.R.A.P at D.I.Y,
He couldn’t mend a drawer although he did once try,
A trip to B & Q would just mystify!
Today, you begin your married life,
After pledging your love at a bandstand in Fife,
As tonight’s joyous celebration ensues,
We hope that the Groom can hold his booze,
As forgive us if we do recall,
An Awards ceremony where Grant had quite a ball,
He drunk as much as he was able,
Including from the water jug on the table,
Then in a move that was rather rash,
Out the Fire Exit, he did dash,
Let’s not talk about the evening end,
Save to say the toilet bowl became a good friend,
He became well acquainted with the U-bend,
Any more information might offend!
But you are wonderful people, friends that are true,
We love you so much for just being you,
This ditty was really just to say,
We are totally thrilled to be part of your big day,
We wish you all the very best in life,
As you go forward as husband and wife,
You are a couple that are simply first class,
So ladies and gentlemen, let’s raise a glass,
To a love that simply cannot be surpassed.
To Grant and Sal!
Ode to my daughter, Amelia, on her Wedding Day
It was the ninth of July 1981,
Amelia – you were born – and out came the sun,
the moon and the stars for all to see,
You’re the best thing, by far, to have ever happened to me,
A better-behaved child you could not find,
Determined but not wild – you knew your own mind,
Today your life is a social whirl,
What happened to that quiet, understated, little girl?
You were a quirky kid that sometimes bent the rules,
Going missing once, playing rooky from school,
The Police were out searching and weren’t impressed with your lark,
When they found you happily sitting with pals in the park,
These days you love to party and you love to dance,
Love going to Festivals with friends when you have the chance,
But Amelia, it’s true you’re not all sweetness and light,
When it comes to being tidy – you and I start to fight!,
Top of your list was always ‘Tidy my room’,
But I’d enter with a sense of impending doom,
On holiday together, you empty your suitcase on the floor,
Is it any wonder that I can’t take it any more?
I’m not a clean freak and I don’t have OCD,
But I’d like to get ‘From Chaos to Harmony’,
Thankfully you now have a flat of your own,
That you’ve told me not to tidy! It’s a ‘Mum Free’ Zone!
Every time you see me armed with a cleaning cloth,
You get mad and want me to unleash my inner sloth!
Your Dad, Joe, and I are proud of the chick we did hatch,
We’re happy to say out loud that you’ve met your perfect match,
To see you so in love is every parent’s wish,
We’re eternally grateful to ‘Plenty of Fish’!
Rich, I’d like to talk plainly (it’s the only way I can),
I’m bloody glad she didn’t pick ‘Unicorn Man’,
Your first date was in Art House Café, I think I’d be right
In saying that, for Rich, it was love at first sight,
For Amelia, you were exactly the type she did seek,
Quirky, cool and a bit of a geek,
However a man’s attire can give many clues,
Rich, you nearly lost out on account of your shoes!
A girl wants trendy trainers not shoes naff and neat,
To think love nearly passed you by because of your feet!
But although she didn’t love your heel, toe and sole,
You had a major attribute – a beautiful mole,
Right there on your mouth so it could not be missed,
For Amelia, these were lips that just had to be kissed,
For strange as it may seem, it was one of her goals,
To marry a man with plenty of moles,
She’d coveted Ewan MacGregor, though taken, until,
She met lovely Richard who fitted the bill,
Snogging at the traffic lights is one way to get seen,
Amelia’s red light quickly turned green!
I gather on your second date, she really made you wait,
By missing both trains to be two hours late,
In Rich’s eyes though, you could do no wrong,
He waited for you patiently then serenaded you with a song,
It was in Belfast however that we knew your love was real,
When Rich proposed to Amelia up on the Big Wheel,
High in the clouds, together they did linger,
Then down to the ground with a sparkly ring on her finger,
Here you are today, now husband and wife,
And so begins a brand new chapter in your life,
Today has been the happiest of all days,
I know you’ll be happy together now and for always,
Roads you will travel together, time it will fly,
My Amelia, forever my special girl – born on the 9thJuly.
The Story of Lizzie and Harry
HR Supremo meets Oil Exec,
No surprise then that they did connect,
Lizzie thought “This guy is ace”,
“Dives, sails, flies and likes to motor race”,
Harry, worried that he was over the hill,
Got busy brushing up on his tennis skills,
Thought his advances she might spurn,
If he couldn’t deliver a backhand return,
This was a woman he was keen to impress,
She’s immaculately groomed and knows just how to dress,
Together they make a couple so fine,
with a bevy of daughters to combine,
A wedding at Drum and a visit to Mull,
Married life is anything but dull,
Soon they’ll head to the South African sun,
For a honeymoon that will be second to none,
But remember, Harry, amid this nuptial whirl.
You can’t take Glasgow out of the girl,
And while she’ll enjoy countryside so pretty,
She’ll be desperate to head back to the City,
So Congrats Harry and Lizzie on your big day,
This is just a wee ditty from friends to say,
We wish you a fun filled married life,
As you start your journey as husband and wife,
For both of you this is “Take Two’
So you know what you’re in for when you say “I do”!
There is just one thing that is crucial, of course,
That Lizzie is sure she’s had a divorce….
An ode to my husband, Adam
A chance meeting in Number 57,
An email, a date, a match made in heaven,
Leading to this day of glory,
so I wanted to share a little of our lovestory:
Our first date was dinner at East,
But my frozen jaw put pay to a feast,
Even after a rocky start,
You began to win my heart,
We decided cocktails were the order of the day,
For me and my ‘secret friend from Norway’,
In tall glasses with a shiny umbrella,
I decided then that you were my type of fella.
The waitress asked if we’d like a cocktail each,
You wanted your favourite – ‘Sex on the Beach’,
But the waitress was so awfully young,
And the words to you just wouldn’t come!
I love a Cosmopolitan, I can’t deny,
I’ve sipped them from Brighouse to Dubai,
I just can’t stop at just one or two,
So I think that you’ve bought me quite a few!
In any relationship comes the hardest part,
Be still my beating heart,
An intro to the kids was quite a dread,
As I imagined what would and could be said.
My heart soon danced and then it soared,
To know my girls and Nicky were adored,
You’ve built a wonderful rapport,
I simply couldn’t ask for more.
Then one day you said we needed to talk,
By the Canal we chose to walk,
You told me you wanted to be together for life,
And then you asked me to be your wife
Now as Mrs Hammond, it’s my cue,
To share a few things all about you,
A few little gems that friends might not know!
So this ditty allows me to give it a go.
There’s a habit to which my husband clings,
He likes to collect all sorts of things
And what never fails to amuse,
Is that they are things they he willnever ever use.
Firstly, there’s Jack Daniels whisky,
A sniff is enough to make anyone frisky,
Over 50 bottles I would think,
But you never take a drink!
You have watches ten a penny,
Why does a man have to have so many?
At the last count it was ten,
So how can you be late again?
You find Classic and sports cars a thriller,
You once owned a car called Camilla,
But I refused to get inside her!
SO you moved on to a Sammio Spyder,
You talk cars, watch cars, read about cars,
You’d quite like a car that’s been driven by stars,
I’d like a motor with a claim to fame,
As long as Camilla is not its name!
You have a love of beer and pork pies,
But they tend to contribute to size,
I will love you whether large or slim,
But today you look so handsome and trim
But don’t think that I don’t know,
That when for ‘walkies’ with Floss you go,
Into the pub you both lurk,
While I’m still hard at work!
Though together we’ve travelled far,
I know we still like driving in the car,
All around the Yorkshire Dales,
They’re our favourite holiday tales.
I’m looking forward to being Mrs Hammond, honey,
With a husband that’s charming, generous and funny,
Always thoughtful and always caring,
I’m excited about the experiences we will be sharing.
We Pine for each other when we are apart,
Going offshore nearly breaks your heart,
Willing away the hours, counting sleeps,
Then home to the one that loves you heaps!
You’ll be a wonderful husband, you’re my number one,
Just as you are a wonderful dad and son,
I’m ‘Head over Heels’ in love with you.
And I’ve ordered the hold-ups to come in a day or two! (in joke everybody!)
My darling Adam, you’re all I want you to be,
And huge congratulations on finding me,
Because I am a bloody good catch!
And together we’re a perfect match.
Oh Happy Day
Oh happy happy day,
the day that a Father gets up to say;
‘I give the hand of my daughter away’.
With the ring now on her wedding finger,
Please grant me the chance to linger
on the memories of family life,
as she leaves us to become a wife.
Oh joyous joyous day,
I remember when I was able to say;
‘Julie Louise is born today’.
Even at that age, she made us wait
By making her appearance three weeks late.
But on May 15th1977,
We were blessed with a daughter, a gift from heaven.
Oh happy happy times
of dirty nappies and nursery rhymes,
of tears, tantrums and kiddie crimes.
But even at the age of three
We knew our Julie was going to be
an independent, headstrong girl
living life in a social whirl.
Oh precious precious days
So long ago, it’s a bit of a haze,
With two daughters, no time to laze.
At school, our Julie did excel.
Such a clever, clever girl.
To do well, she is still keen
as she studies at Uni in Aberdeen.
Oh what a celebration,
A bride and groom so full of elation
And a daughter about to leave our nation
For a new life in the U.S of A
which seems so very far away
from our home in bonny Peterculter
(could you not have chosen a `local’ suitor?)
But we are glad that Kyle is the one
You’ve gained a good husband
We’ve gained a great son!
An ode to Emma and Robert on their Wedding Day
Oh what a happy, happy day
We’ve gathered together to hear Emma say;
It was on this day nine years ago,
That Robert’s heart was set aglow,
When one became two.
They’d known each other since primary school days,
But as the well known adage says:
‘Good things come to those who wait’,
When you meet a girl who makes your pulse race,
You know you’ve found that someone who is worth the chase,
A lady who is absolutely first rate.
So Robert and Emma, we can picture the scene,
When you got engaged at Harvey’s Point in 2015,
Under the stars twinkling,
And it wasn’t long before two became three,
Little Charlie filling your world with glee,
All blond hair, blue eyes and nose wrinkling.
Now Robert, you’re a devoted Dad,
The best that any little boy could have had,
You are adored,
And with a son to share your golfing passion,
You can teach him to swing in just the right fashion,
He’ll never be bored!
Beautiful Emma, you look stunning in that dress,
You’re a Chartered Accountant who never fails to impress,
Most importantly, you’re Charlie’s Mum,
You’ll be there for your boy as he grows,
When to school, university and work he goes,
And when, of course, he gets his first hole in one!
A wonderful couple is what you are,
You’ll make a marriage that is anything but below par,
You’re in it for the long game,
It’s been a privilege for us all to linger
To watch Robert place a wedding ring upon his sweetheart’s finger,
Mr and Mrs McNeill is now your name.
Oh what a happy, happy day,
We wish you a beautiful tomorrow in every way,
with little Charlie whom we all adore,
We’ll raise a glass to married life,
Emma and Robert – now you are husband and wife,
You’re a perfect three but will you soon be shouting ‘Fore!’
Ode to Vicky and Will on their Wedding Day
Now office romances often don’t last,
Especially when they happen so fast,
But sometimes love just strikes in a hurry,
So, Will and Vicky, you needn’t worry,
Because you two make a perfect pair,
Like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire,
Like Ant and Dec, eggs and bacon,
You go together, there’s no mistaking,
Now Vicky, you are in HR
So you know people and the way they are,
But you had no need to peruse a CV,
You met Will and thought “He’s the one for me!”
Now Will, you’re a whizz at metering,
But around the HR office, you’d been teetering
Hoping to catch a sight
Of the girl you knew was definitely “Miss Right”
You plucked up courage to ask her for a date,
A beach walk, pancakes and a chance to skate,
But there really was no ice to melt,
Your feelings for each other were truly heartfelt,
From a memorable first date in windy weather,
A few months later, you’d moved in together,
And far from everything becoming routine,
You’re the happiest ‘roomies’ we’ve ever seen!
Pining for each other when you are apart,
Going offshore nearly breaks Will’s heart!
Whiling away hours, counting sleeps
Then home to the one who’s his favourite for keeps,
The man Vicky adores, the girl of Will’s dreams,
Destined for each other for always it seems,
But that’s not where your story ends,
For today, you’ll not only be the best of friends
But joined together as man and wife,
Soulmates, lovers, partners in life,
So though it’s only two years since you first dated
When Vicky said ‘Yes’, Will was truly elated,
This workplace romance was always on course,
Not just a whirlwind but hurricane force!
With love from Sharon xx
(the only other woman that Will has had to obey!)
Ode to James and Aliona
What do you get if you cross
a yogi with a petrolhead?
You might be at a loss,
A strange match it must be said,
But in case you didn’t realise –
And James and Aliona
are testament to this fact.
Now James appreciates fine bodywork;
A sleek and stylish chassis,
When he saw Aliona, he knew
He’d found his perfect lassie.
A Lithuanian beauty,
to make his life complete,
He might have revved his engine
But she’s in the driving seat!
He’s embraced the Yogi lifestyle
But he’s no downward dog!
More like a boisterous puppy
Since giving up the grog!
She shown him the way
to a lifestyle so gentle,
No more pan fried bacon,
Just Mung beans and a lentil!
But should he ever ask his spouse
For a tasty piece of meat,
There’ll be no such thing within the house
So watch out Puss so sweet!
They moved to Inverurie
to start their married life,
James – the perfect husband, Aliona – the perfect wife,
But have they found their perfect forever?
Not quite or so it seems,
They cannot stand the weather,
Sunnier climes are in their dreams,
They honeymooned in the Maldives,
Blue sea and golden sand,
And started to believe
That they were destined for warmer lands.
India is calling
An Ayurvedic heaven,
Wave Good bye to Tesco,
Farewell to Subsea 7,
Pack away your snowboard,
You won’t need a BMW M3,
It’s chaos on the roads,
Just wait and you will see!
Though now it may seem out of reach,
You know you’ll be together,
Whether on an exotic beach
Or walking in the Scottish heather,
Where ever you park your car
Or place your yoga mat,
Will be a home full of love
For James, Aliona and the cat,
For my sister, Laura, on her wedding day
Dear Laura, it would be only fair to say,
That we’ve had our ups and downs along the way,
That we’ve fought tooth and nail like a couple of cats,
Arguments and rows, quarrels and spats,
Tussles and quibbling, disagreements with you.
But that’s just what siblings like to do!
But today I’m sort of happy but sort of sad,
No more the ‘Bailey Bunch’ – you, me and Dad,
I feel so emotional, it feels so unreal,
But I’m over the moon that you’ll be Mrs Steele,
You’ve found your soulmate, he makes you smile,
I cannot wait to see you happy all the while,
He’s the song to your dance, the tonic to your gin,
You knew at first glance that he was the Yang to your Yin,
You’re perfect together, two hearts that beat as one,
Now starts your ‘forever’ and it’s only just begun,
A partnership well balanced is paramount you can tell,
But will your joint bank account be so balanced as well?
For though our Laura has a stash of clothes, she just cannot get enough.
Of spending her hard earned cash on lots of designer stuff!
But you’ve a supportive husband and I’ve the best brother in law,
And that wedding band says he’ll love you whether rich or poor!
So with a ring on your finger, it’s your wedding day,
Allow me to linger on something I’d like to say:
Without your love and without your laughter,
I’ve no doubt for me there would be no happy after,
For when life was tough and I needed care,
It was enough just to know that you were there,
So I’ll take this chance to say aloud,
That, Laura, you make me so very proud,
From a hard beginning, you’ve come so far,
To the wonderful, winning woman that you are,
You’ll be my cherished sister forever, now a cherished wife,
You and Frazer together will make an amazing life,
He’s got a girl who simply glows, a spouse of true class,
(I wonder if he knows you’re a pain in the…..neck!)
May you never scream and shout at your gorgeous Mister,
Just come home and take it out on your little sister!
I love you,
Ode to Malwina & Sean on their wedding day
Once upon a time, there lived a mystical Pole,
Called Malwina, who was beautiful to her very soul,
She went online to search for a suitable man,
And that, dear friends, is where this romance all began,
The perfect match can sometimes take a while,
But when she laid eyes on the boy from the Emerald Isle,
They both knew that they had found ‘the one’,
And that a life together had just begun,
It would now always be Malwina and Sean,
A Polish princess with her Irish leprechaun,
It was Guinness that used to make him smile so wide,
But now it’s the heady beauty by his side!
Their shared love of travelling to distant lands,
Has taken them far – hand in hand,
South America beckoned with its culture and views,
Six months there together was a dream come true,
Now you have the rest of world to go and explore,
Always better when it’s with the person that you adore,
You complement each other and, for what it’s worth,
Malwina needs you, Sean, to keep her down to earth!
A head in the clouds (she calls it artistic flair),
Can sometimes lead her to…I don’t know where!
But while you might have a business head.
I’ll warn you – my sister is definitely not easily led!
I know you’ll have a wonderful married life,
My dear Malwina and her Sean – now husband and wife,
May every road you travel fill your hearts,
May your souls be entwined even when you’re apart,
Whether you’re exploring forests of green or beaches so sandy,
May you eternally say: “Kocham cie jak Irlandie”.
Groom’s Speech – March 2019
Good evening everybody,
You might have noticed that I’m the groom,
And as is traditional I’d like to say,
Thank you all so much or being here,
And sharing our very special day,
I hope you’ve had a wonderful weekend,
A relaxing Saturday and Sunday,
Just think of all those poor sods off to work,
As you quaff champagne on a Monday!
It means so much to have you all here,
Especially those that have travelled far and wide,
To be part of our celebration,
For myself and Sandy, my beautiful bride,
I’ve gained a new family as well as a wife,
Who is amazing and full of charm,
So thankyou to my new in-laws,
Who have welcomed me with open arms,
And to my own parents, Suzie and Tim,
I must your praises sing,
For all your love and support over the years,
In just about everything!
I am your tidy and clever child,
As our guests may have heard,
You were just practicing with the first two kids,
But got it right with your third!
Now your prodigal son is getting married,
Though I’m not the first of my siblings of course,
Our June is very happily wedded,
And Leah would rather stick with her horse!
But seriously a huge thankyou,
For all that you have done,
Especially for help with the house move,
From your ever grateful son,
And, of course I must thank our bridesmaids,
Gemma, Helen, Karen and Joey,
A quartet of prettiness and perfection,
As anyone can see,
Talking of prettiness and perfection,
I’d like to thank each and every Stag,
Who ensured my Spanish celebration,
Went without too much of a snag.
They introduced me to a Rangers fan named George,
Told him I was an avid Celtic supporter,
By the murderous look on his inebriated face,
I knew I was in hot water!
So thanks to my best man, Paul,
For organising such a great trip,
You may not be very tall,
But you’re the best at companionship,
And now it’s time to talk about Sandy,
The beautiful Mrs Harris, my amazing wife,
You are truly as sweet as candy,
And am just so happy to have you in my life,
You are someone that puts others first,
You are supportive and you are caring,
A former colleague, I still delight,
In the life we are now sharing,
We’ve been lucky to travel far together,
To many exotic places we did roam,
But we’re always happy spending time,
Just us and Archie in our perfect home…
Almost perfect but for one thing,
Her taste in ornaments is somewhat strange,
This horrible looking dragon she puts on show,
I just have to re-arrange,
I’ll admit to hiding it,
Though I’ve never said it to your face,
But, in truth, I’m probably relieved,
That it’s the only dragon around the place!
Now a ‘foodie’, Sandy is definitely not,
She doesn’t get her ‘five a day’,
She prefers a Meat Feast pizza,
And I wouldn’t have her any other way,
She once told me she’d eaten ‘ferret’,
I felt sure that I’d misheard,
I hope that she meant pheasant,
As she is rather a game bird!,
But for all your funny ways,
They are what makes you ‘you’,
Thankyou for marrying me,
Thankyou for saying ‘I do’,
You are wonderful, you are gorgeous,
I love you with all of my heart,
You the best thing that ever happened to me,
And I can’t wait for our married life to start.
To Father of the Bride speech – Gary Homer June 2018
Now comes the moment when I have to take the stand,
And most of you will know – I’m better wi’ a paintbrush in ma hand!
Accustomed to public speaking, I most certainly am NOT,
But today – for Rebecca and John, I’ll gie it ma best shot,
So forgive me if I lose my way or find it hard to swallow,
There’s more speeches to come and I don’t want to be a hard act to follow!,
A warm welcome to you all from myself and Marlene, my wife,
As we gather to celebrate Mr and Mrs Smith embarking on married life,
A special welcome to Dick and Emma, parents of John, the groom,
And his sister, Donna, one of the lovely bridesmaids in the room,
Along with Charlotte and Kat and Nicky,
A fine load of quines looking pretty,
To my Mum, June, Pat, Toni, Danika and Matthew – it’s great to see you here because,
It’s a fair few miles to get to Banchory from Oz!
Hola to Heather, Dave, Jack and Georgia fae Spain,
It’s affa fine to see you all again,
Now anyone who knows this young couple, knows that they’re great together,
They have that special bond which means they’ll be in love forever,
But one day I thought to myself: “It feels like something’s missing”,
So I said to Rebecca; “You know, I never see you two kissing”,
She looked me in the eye and this is what she said:
“Oh aye, I kiss him every night before I put him to his bed”,
She told me that she got that advice straight from the mouth of her Mum,
Who told her ‘treat them mean, keep them keen and the benefits will come’,
So John and Rebecca have been together for over seven years,
In that time, they’ve learned to share their dreams, their hopes, their fears,
As a husband, John, you’ve found a woman to cherish and to adore,
But let me share just a few stories of the little girl I knew before,
Rebecca was a happy kid, a talkative young girl,
Popular with lots of mates, lived life in a social whirl,
As a wee quine, I’d give her into trouble for giving her Mum some cheek,
And John, if you don’t already know, she has a stubborn streak,
I once taught her to cycle, to ride her brand new bike,
Down the hill she went with joy but uphill she did not like,
I made encouraging noises to get those pedals going round and round,
But she dismounted with a face like fizz and threw the bike down on the ground,
Now Marlene used to play darts for the Moorings Bar in the ‘Deen,
And I’d take Rebecca to the beach – to go she was always keen,
She was oh so happy throwing stones into the wild North sea,
But the problem was she wouldn’t budge to come away with me,
She’d throw stone after stone in the water until it was nearly dark,
And I’d have to pretend to leave her which got me a ‘black mark’,
But that wilful side of Rebecca made her into a woman independent and strong,
And we’re delighted that she’s found a perfect match in our new son in law, John,
We never knew she’d find a man so very close to home,
Because when she was just 13, she travelled to Australia all on her own,
After visiting her Nana and Grandad, she returned home to declare:
I’m going to marry an Aussie farmer and go and live over there!”,
Now John, we’re very glad she didn’t and we like to have you both close,
Although out of Matthew and Rebecca, we’re not sure who loves you most!,
When we all went to Tenerife, it was plain to see
That you spent more time with Matthew than your bride to be!
Maybe it’s because (Sorry John but it really has to be said),
You were so very drunk, Matthew carried you to your bed,
You missed the evening’s entertainment – an Elvis tribute act,
As a ‘fiance’, I think you were nearly sacked!,
You couldn’t even walk straight, yes you were quite a sight,
It was more a case of ‘Hound Dog’ than ‘Love me Tender’ that night,
I remember the very first time you stayed over at our house,
I didn’t know you were there, you were quiet as a mouse,
Next morning I awoke to see you car parked outside,
And then I saw Rebecca – barely dressed and bleary eyed,
I questioned this sleepover with her new found ‘chum’,
But she, of course, told me to back right off as it was all ok with Mum,
I’m very glad, John, that I didn’t kick you out the door,
As today I wouldn’t be welcoming you as our new son in law,
Dick and Emma, you son is a credit to you both,
And it’s been very emotional to watch the two of them take their oath,
I apologise that at John’s expense, there’s been a few laugh to be had,
Because as we know the ladies can be just as devilishly bad,
Now Rebecca, Marlene and pals headed off for a Henny in Spain,
And you’re all probably thinking that it involved drinking in the main,
But these classy lassies thought that their time they’d pass
By being as cultured as Barcelona and doing a life drawing class,
Now for those amongst you who don’t know what life drawing is all about,
Basically you have a model who, well, let’s everything hang out,
Yes, these Senoritas sat with their sketch pads ready,
While a Spanish stallion disrobed – no wonder their hands weren’t steady,
But if they’d hoped for a fine specimen like Ronaldo or like Becks,
Their model of the day had nae bulging biceps or pecs,
He was more like the ‘Naked Rambler’ and our hens were slightly peeved,
(although boyfriends and husbands back home were secretly quite relieved),
Now we are all familiar with the traditions of a gentlemen’s stag do,
The boys hit the bars and maybe a strip club or two,
When I warned Rebecca that John might set foot in that sort of bar,
She lifted her top and told me this as she danced round in her bra:
“If John goes to a strip Club, well, it really doesn’t matter to me,
Why would he pay for it when he gets all this for free?!”
Why would he want for anything now that he’s got you?
You make a wonderful Mrs Smith now you’ve said ‘I do’,
You look radiant today, a truly beautiful bride,
And your Mum and I both know that you’re also beautiful inside,
Thought I’m not prone to gushing, there’s a lot I don’t say out loud,
But looking at you today, I just feel very proud,
You’ll be a soulmate and a best friend as well as a gorgeous wife,
And we truly wish the both of you so much happiness in life,
You’ll walk life’s road together – to each other you belong,
Be kind, be faithful always and your love will remain strong,
So may I ask everyone here today if you would kindly rise,
To toast the special couple that we see before our eyes,
To John and Rebecca, Mr and Mrs Smith, now husband and wife,
To your love, to your friendship and to a long and happy married life.
ODE TO MY TWIN SISTER, JO, ON HER WEDDING DAY
Jo, my Sister, my twin,
My best friend, my everything.
I’m so proud to share this, your special day.
You’re the tonic to my gin,
I love to take part, you love to win!
We’re the same..but different in every way!
Jo, my sister, family girl,
I’ve got stories to make your toes curl,
Remember that Cyprus vacation?
You were at everyone’s hotel door
Clad in yer PJs – nothing more!
We nearly had to find new accommodation!
Jo, my sister, the female ‘Stig’,
When you get points, you really go big,
Whether parking in the wrong place or driving at speed,
Yes, you are a racy lassie
With great bodywork and an awesome chassis,
Just make sure hubby gos and gets you MOT’d!
Jo, my sister, beautiful bride
Tall and handsome Mr Gill at your side,
You could have had any man you desired,
But for you there was no other
Than the best looking Gill brother,
Now I’ve said that, Brian, there’s payment required!
Jo, my sister, now a wife,
With a lovely husband to share your life
And a beautiful daughter, of whom you’re rightly proud.
It was in Bangkok one fateful day
You created your very own Thai Takeaway –
Our gorgeous Mollie who stands out from the crowd.
Jo, my sister, amazing mother,
There could never be another,
My football loving, hot tempered sister,
Our similar looks get people befuddled,
“Is it Jo or Claire? I’m affa muddled!”
But there’s only one Mrs Gill for this Mister.!
Jo, my sister, wedding planner,
In the works, there was no spanner,
In every way today has been just right,
And although you never, ever look a mess,
You achieved perfection in that dress,
A vision of utter loveliness tonight.
Brian, special brother in law,
The man that my twin does adore,
I have a wee bit of sisterly advice,
As you enter a married idyll,
Never, ever treat your wife as second fiddle,
As like your playing, it’s really not very nice!
Jo, my sister, very special twin,
I love you deeply outside and in
And you know that I always, always will,
You and Brian, together for so long,
He is the music, you are the song,
Let’s raise our glasses to Mr and Mrs Gill.
Ode for the wedding of Sam & Holley
Welcome all to Santorini,
This beautiful, magical isle,
A perfect setting for the perfect wedding
of a couple with elegance and style,
Before you start to quaff the Prosecco,
And become, perhaps, a little bit jolly,
I’m here to tell you a love story –
the love story of Sam and Holley,
Their very first meeting was at Ockendon School,
Way back in 2003,
Holley walked into Sam’s I.T class,
And thought “That’s the boy for me”,
When I asked her how she instantly knew,
She said she fell for his big blue eyes,
I’m not sure that’s exactly true,
As she’s partial to his footballer’s thighs!
The feeling was reciprocated,
For love, they both were ready,
They hung out at the park and Alice’s house,
And soon they were going steady,
After a happy two years together,
It was Sam’s deduction,
That the time was absolutely right,
for a family introduction,
Along they all went to Kardamons,
And Holley knew then it would last,
Being super impressed by Sam’s Grandad,
Downing pints of Kingfisher so fast!,
So Holley and Sam enjoyed the high life,
In their union, they did rejoice,
Indulging in exotic holidays together,
Going to a Prom in a swanky Rolls Royce,
A special break in Es Cana, Ibiza
saw their relationship thrive,
But their most romantic night together
Was at number 22 Medlor Drive,
What happened there that night
Cannot be revealed,
But the earth moved in our parents’ house,
As a future together was sealed,
Anyway, my beautiful sister, Holley
has found her perfect guy,
And they sealed it with an engagement
At The Palm Jumeirah in Dubai,
Then, In 2016,
They bought their first house together,
At 25 Stamford Drive,
It’ll always be sunny weather,
So today we’re here to celebrate
The wedding of Holley and Sam,
A sassy, strong and witty lady,
And a fine athlete of a man,
We wish you a fabulous marriage,
Of each other you’ll never get bored,
Sam, you may be a super striker,
But THIS time, you’ve seriously scored!