A wonderful sight to behold
41 feet of luxury
and only two months old!
Her name, of course, was Moonfish
Our home for the next five days
With all the latest gadgets
And a deck on which to laze
Two Lemons, two McGahons and Mrs Marchant
Led by Skipper Neil
Let loose on a brand new yacht
Could this be for real?
So they set sail from rainy Largs
the intrepid crew of six
feeling slightly underconfident;
“What happens if we get in a fix?”
But we had no need to worry
Our Skipper kept us right
Only one beer at lunchtime
But a belly-ful at night!
We soon got used to living
In such a confined space
And even `midnight pumping’
Didn’t cause a loss of face!
Half hitch, bowline, slipknot
We knew them off by heart
But when it came to reversing
That’s really quite an art!
Just like the Royal Yacht Britannia
We ate till more we could not bear
Every night we had our fill
(OOH! You dirty mare!)
Music we had plenty
`tho none to suit our Chris’s ear
Ken said “Is it disco?”
While sporting his woolly head gear.
We moored at sunny Rothesay
To enjoy their Victorian loo’s
Chris fed pigeons on his head
The rest enjoyed the views.
At night we got the cards out
`Piggy’ was the game
The McGahons were the winners
and the forfeit they did name.
The next morning, we made for the showers
Up to Rothesay town we did roam
Di and Liz resembling fresh flowers
Maggie looking like she should be in a home!
Tarbert was always tropical
So good we went there twice
The boys showed off their ball skills
The local women to entice.
A sunny day with calm waters
Saw us motor to lovely Loch Fyne
The restaurant loomed in the distance
And we knew we would have a good time.
But first we had to get there
Via the dinghy and Captain Ken
It rocked around precariously
Would we ever get back again?
Full of oysters, wine and laughter
It was time to return to the boat
This time in complete darkness
Would the dinghy stay afloat?
With one torch between all six of us
We went our separate ways
The women through the jungle
The men along the bay
The ladies’ hearts were beating
As they fought their way to the beach
Stepping on `dead bodies’ along the way
It seemed so out of reach.
But finally we were back on board
With Baileys coffees on the go
Ready to face another day
Of tacking, gybing, Lee-ho!
Thursday was wet and windy
We decided to stop at a pub
The Oystercatcher looked inviting
And our thoughts soon turned to grub.
After half an hour of trying
We eventually caught a buoy
We all piled in the dinghy
And soon it was `land ahoy’.
We didn’t get the warmest feeling
As we entered the Oystercatcher hall
To be greeted by a mangy cat
And a dog that was licking its balls!
Then we knew it could wait no more
The `Piggy’ forfeit had to be done
Lemons, Marchants with letters on their rears
The McGahons, they had none.
We proudly took our stances
As we lowered down our `breeks’
And MOONFISH was there for all to see
On an octet of splendid cheeks.
Final stop was Tarbert
And into the Victoria Bar
Little did we know that we would meet
A singer from afar…
He offered Diana his organ
He said he would entertain
With his impressive wig collection
`Lenny Lino’ was his name.
He certainly had us singing
Yes, we were tapping our toes
We left with smiling faces
And Ken with a blackened nose.
Back to Largs and a sad farewell
As we packed up all our junk
And travelled by car to the Monachyle Mhor
To get `very very drunk’.
Last stop was Edinburgh
And a night out on the razz
Maggie got drunk and went missing
Chris just wanted jazz.
The moral of this story is clear
If you’re holidaying afloat
The Ottershaw gang can’t cope with dry land
So keep them on the bloody boat!!