Ode to Sarah at 50

Happy Birthday dear Sister for today is the day,

That you turn 50!  So we’d just like to say….

That although we’re in Lockdown and that can frustrate,

Next year, we’ll paint the town!  It’ll be worth the wait!

You are our role model, we’ve looked up to you,

Ever since we could toddle, your gorgeous siblings two,

Head Girl in School, always top of the class,

You never broke a rule, exams you’d always pass,

Although before this you rebelled, it has to be said,

From Nursery you were expelled!  Is your face turning red?

For what nobody knows perhaps you just thought F*** it!

“I’ll take off all my clothes and sit in a bucket”,

(Mum never liked laundry as such as though we hate to be rude –

We spent much of our childhood running around in the nude!)

The Vicar’s daughter’s friend as well, admirers in droves,

There was simply no end to the spell that you wove,

The best kid by far whom everyone wanted to know,

Leader of the orchestra with many strings to your bow,

Piano duets with Louise you led without a hitch,

(which is more than can be said for your ability to stitch…)

At Oxford High School, you met Debbie, your best mate,

Life was pretty cool as you started to date,

Beatz was your hangout – all music and noise,

But a great place to scout for (un)suitable boys,

Teens lose ‘thing’s to boyfriends (sorry to be uncouth),

But to one of your early flings, you lost a tooth!

Love didn’t last forever with that hockey playing chap,

You initially stayed together but he had to ‘Mind the Gap’!

It’s always an abomination when a hockey stick gets flighty,

So thought U.S Immigration who almost sent you back to Blighty,

When you travelled out to New Zealand after leaving school,

Determined to flout the ‘Dangerous Weapons’ rule,

You just had to take your beloved hockey stick with you,

It was a bit of a mistake but what’s a County player to do?

In New Zealand you had a blast and got the bug to travel more,

So you made your journey last with all of us in Singapore,

Tuk Tuks, street markets and noodles with the people you hold dear,

We had oodles to talk about as we caught up on your year,

Then off to University you went and what a crazy time you had,

With flatmates Heaven sent as you shacked up with three lads,

You’d drive far for a Sailing party – what a hoot!

Shame you put your car in a ditch en route…

But although you caused a dent in more than your pride,

You were content that an intact birthday cake was still inside,

As a student, proudly, your ‘observations’ you’d air,

In public and always loudly and seemingly without care,

Commenting on others for a variety of their sins,

A veritable ‘Big Brother’; “Look at that woman buying all those tins”,

A year in France was cool then back to the UK from afar,

To London and Bar School and to live with sister, Cara,

A pupillage meant you were broke for a while,

Though you were Hellbent on a salmon and Champagne lifestyle,

Income finally came when your first cheque was sent,

Though not in a frame but straight in the bank it went!

For Good Lord, a woman feels barely alive,

If she can’t afford to buy herself a French 75!

You really had it all, you were set for the next phase of life,

You’d met Mr Stephen Gage, eventually to become hie wife,

On your first date with Steve, he met Cara and me,

I think he thought ‘get one Sis and you get all three’!

He bought us each a toothbrush, cooked a breakfast that you wouldn’t believe,

No wonder you were in no rush to ever take your leave,

He’s not at all bad looking, does domestic chores without fuss,

He even does all the cooking – which has to be a plus,

The kitchen he does rule although I must announce,

While that sounds pretty cool, it’s you that rules the house!

You make each other’s heart sing and have done all your married days,

And you have two wonderful offspring who never cease to amaze,

There’s Tristram who oozes charm and loves a good debate,

With gorgeous Dawn on his arm, they make a couple that’s first rate,

Star pupil and more, now he’s finished his degree,

The world he’s off to explore – perhaps he’ll change it? We’ll see!

Then Adrian – don’t be fooled by his quiet manner,

He’s smart and he’s cool, the ultimate planner,

When it comes to playing golf, he’s got all the goods,

And everyone is saying he’ll be the next Tiger Woods,

As a Mum you have ascended, as your sons will attest,

As a Barrister you’re recommended as one of the best,

It’s a job that’s highly tactical so no wonder it does suit,

Because you’re ‘straight talking, astute and practical’ (and fabulous to boot!)

You have little fear, you epitomise Girl Power,

You even managed to engineer a working garden shower!

Along with your pal Debs – Oh what a pair!

Now you enjoy watery pleasure in the open air,

In any time that’s spare, you’ll be with Steve on the bike,

Or with friends that care for a long distance hike,

Going to the cinema or swimming – both you think are fab,

Or just staying where you are with Pip, your beautiful red Lab,

Relaxing weeks in the African sun and having us come to visit,

How we can’t wait for those days to come – Lockdown isn’t fun, is it?

So Happy, Happy Birthday Sarah, our amazing Mother Hen,

At looking out for us all you are a star and you score a perfect ten,

We wish we could all be together but we’ll have to wait till next year,

This ‘thing’ won’t last forever, we’d do anything to have you near,

What could be crazier than just packing you up in a trunk?

Just like you did in Malaysia when you were very…very…DRUNk!

Happy 50^thSarah!

Love from Mel and the Gang

Ode to Ian’s 60^th

Dear Ian, Happy Birthday!

We have all got word,

That you’re turning 60 or so they say,

(We got told by a little Bird…),

Well, we couldn’t find an invite,

(Though we did search high and low),

To a birthday party night,

As we’d be sure to go,

Where we’d celebrate your 60^th year,

With a Cheers and a Hip Hip Hooray!

While drinking your gin, your wine and beers,

Cos we’re neighbourly that way,

And then we remembered but of course,

The state of our great nation,

The rules we must live by and enforce,

That keep us in isolation,

But we’ll raise a glass from down the street,

As Lockdown may go on for a while,

And when our confinement is complete,

We’ll come and celebrate in style!

A Highland Filly at 40

Dearest Lynne, you’ve now turned 40,

We’ve been friends since we were four,

You’re witty and caring and a little bit naughty,

As a bestie, I couldn’t ask for more,

You’re like a pure bred Highland mare,

A beautiful specimen with impressive hindquarters,

A native Scot with a tendency to swear,

The perfect Godmother to my two daughters!

Well turned out you always are.

It’s as if you have a personal groom,

None of us are in with a shout,

Once you walk in the room,

Lots of horsey adventures we have sampled,

Together we’ll go off for a while,

And even when we ended up being trampled,

We still both managed a smile,

We were each other’s bridesmaids when we became wives,

Oh what times together we’ve had,

We’ve laughed our way throughout our lives,

In situations good and bad,

As a wife and as a mother,

You’re the very best your boys could have had,

For George, I know there could not have been another….

Well…….perhaps a lady that was tractor mad!

You and I are not related by birth,

But I’d hate us to ever be apart,

And, for what it is worth,

You’ll always be my sister in my heart.,

So crack open the  fizz, you gorgeous filly,

Let’s gallop together towards middle age,

Today is for getting boozy and silly,

And the race is just at the first stage…….

Ode to Laura on her 18^th birthday

18 years old!  You’ve come so very far,

From being conceived in Paris after a bit of ‘Ooh La La’,

A better daughter we could not have had,

Loving and caring and music mad,

Unless it’s first thing in the morning,

When you’re just out of bed and still busy yawning,

We don’t bother asking if you’re feeling well,

Because you’re likely to be grumpy as Hell!

Still craving shut eye, some extra kip,

In your bedroom – also known as ‘the tip’,

Even on a fabulous trip to New York,

The time difference made you omit to talk,

The Statue of Liberty failed to make you smile,

As you wanted your bed all of the while!

But, lovely Laura, you really come alive,

When you’re listening to your favourite band, The 1975,

At a Festival or concert you’ll stay up all night,

And still be smiling in the morning light,

Unless it’s Kasabian – when you won’t last long,

Passing out before the very last song!

Attempting to indulge your musical passion,

You learned to play the violin…of a fashion,

Across the strings you pulled that bow,

Your Mum and I would think ‘Oh, God no!.

As ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ from your fiddle trilled,

It sounded more like a cat had been killed!

Putting to the side that dreadful sound,

It’s happy memories that do abound,

Days spent in Majorca, Menorca, Turkey, Kos,

Always make me laugh because…

Any holiday story would be incomplete,

If I failed to mentioned that time in Crete,

When, with your parents to protect you from harm,

You fell into a cactus and scarred your arm,

You were only a baby so we felt quite sick,

The cactus wasn’t the only prick!

But you got your turn to gloat,

When in Turkey, I fell out of a speeding boat!

You need to avoid the water with me,

As together we both fell off a jet ski,

We were in the water for so long,

As we simply couldn’t get back on!,

Nursing my wounded pride,

I thought we might be safer on a camel ride,

After our exploits, it was somewhat staid,

But that doesn’t matter because I never paid!

They earn Turkish Lira for every bump,

I bet the owner still has the hump!

As parents we like to embarrass you,

With the things that we say or do,

A caravan holiday maybe wasn’t the most glamorous,

But it didn’t stop your Mum and I from feeling amorous,

Love in a wagon can be quite risky,

But what are you to do when you’re feeling frisky?

There we were – clothes off and all,

When we hear a banging on the wall,

Our passion sort of died away,

When you cried; “You’re ruining my holiday!”

Although it might be difficult to be believed,

It was in a tent that your sister was conceived,

You slept quite soundly with a little snore,

Even thought you were in the room next door!

You’re a dog loving girl who likes a crafty smoke,

I’m just a Dad who likes a little joke,

Like the first time I dropped you at a friend’s place,

You should have seen your little face,

When instead of your mate answering the door,

It was a little old man of 94!

You’d been well and truly had,

By none other than your good old Dad!

Dear Laura, our teenager wild,

You were such a doting child,

“10 Green Bottles” was your choice of song,

How you liked to sing along!

Though you never quite mastered the words,

And ’10 Green Grandma’s” could be heard!

We were there when you born, we have watched you grow.

Our love for you, you’ll never know.

You’ve seen us happy, we’ve shed some tears

We’ve never forgot these 18 years.

With you now a grown up and so mature,

We’re so proud of you and our love will always endure.

Mum and Dad x

Ode to Jules on her 21^st birthday

Dearest family and friends, It’s the birthday of yours Truly,

A glorious 21 years of our gorgeous Julie,

We’ve gathered today to celebrate in style,

And talk a little about Jules – so it might take a while!

But first, it would be remiss if we were not to say,

A huge welcome to all who are here today,

May we ask that you wave your napkin in the air,

When you’re introduced – to show that you’re there!

Amazing godparents, Dave and Kim – Great to see you,

Lorna, Christie, Meghan– welcome too,

You’ll know immediately Jules’ Glasgow crowd,

Melanie, Vogue and Sandra– the ‘girls are loud’,

Jan and Laura are studying hard– heads down low,

For their Finals so they are in the final throes,

The Elstree girls can’t be at this event,

But from them, and Mike  too?, plenty of love is sent,

Thanks go to Richard and  Matt – for what would we do,

Without enlisting the help of the boyfriend crew?

Thanks to Chloe lastly but definitely not least,

For providing us all with such a magnificent feast,

Now, on to Jules, a cherished daughter, sister and friend,

A Griffin High School girl whose talents have no end,

She’s achieved so very much for her tender age,

Dancer, singer, flautist and star of West End stage,

She played a workhouse boy in ‘Oliver’ always begging for more,

That was before her chest size swelled to almost 34!

Beautiful, clever, kind and an awful lot of fun,

She’s hilarious, Fleabag funny and good at getting things done,

Always the baby sister even when she’d grown a bit,

We can’t believe you’re at Uni now and studying English Lit,

We now ask you for YOUR view, you’re the girl in the know,

Living the Scottish high life with just one more year to go,

A glamour girl who’s enthusiastic for all the things she likes,

(let’s not mention Himalayan trekking or the subject of bikes),

An adventurer up for almost anything if it involves cookies and cake,

You’ve explored Kenya, Morocco, NYC but you’ve plenty more journeys to make,

You’re happy on a pair of skis, you’re happy on a beach,

You’re happy driving your Mini to places within reach,

A cool girl in a red car playing beats to uplift,

You think you’re really out there but you listen to Taylor Swift!

It seems like yesterday you were born but now you’re fully grown,

Frequenting coffee shops and making life your own,

Now we’ve spoken for long enough, you must all have a thirst,

It’s almost time to raise a glass and toast Jules’ 21^st,

But first I wanted you to know how proud your Dad would be today,

That dimple in your left cheek means he’s never far away,

If he was here with a glass of red, it’d make our day complete,

Although we all know if he were around, he’d be searching for some meat!

So here’s to our marvelous Julie Johanna, now we can raise a glass,

We all love you so very much – a young woman who is truly first class.

Ode to Donna at 50

Dear sister, it’s hard to believe,

You’ve reached the grand age of fifty,

Your youthfulness really does deceive,

Still oh so fit and rather nifty,

With kids and dogs and hitting the town,

You live life in a rush,

But now you’ll have to slow it down

For the occasional hot flush!

You were fabulous at forty,

the Belle of your charity ball,

Raising money through all things sporty,

You never, ever do things small!

You’ve abseiled, you’ve sashayed down the catwalk,

Persuaded men to have a wax,

It’s time for the bubbly to uncork

And time for you to relax,

Around the globe you and Gav have been trotting,

Celebrating your birthday in style,

No doubt some celebrity spotting,

It’s good to have you home for a while,

Cos while Spain, Italy and NYC

Were no doubt affa fine,

You canna beat time with family,

A Scottish Barbie and plenty of wine!

So let’s raise a glass to delightful Donna,

We wish you happiness in all you do,

You’ve never grown old and good on ya!

Because we really don’t want you to!

Ode to Mum on her 80^thBirthday

 Mum, we are so delighted to all be here today.

To celebrate your 80^thbirthday in such a special way,

So everyone, pray silence, open up your ears

Let me talk about the lady who’s been our rock throughout the years,

A wonderful and special Mother to the Meldrum three,

Brother Neil, sister Rona and not forgetting me!

You moved to the Granite City when I was only one,

When your love affair with Cults had only just begun,

Abbotshall Crescent was such a happy place,

A family hub where you would always find a sunny, smiling face,

It became the Meldrum home for over forty years,

It saw our baby steps, it saw our teenage tears,

But far too big for one once we all flew the nest,

You’ve settled in Denhead and consider it quite the best,

The perfect spot for sitting and watching the world go by,

Knitting fisherman’s hats, and having a Gin and Tonic on the sly,

But you never stay still for long, Mum, being the active sort,

Whether you’re swinging your golf club or playing on a tennis court,

Or you might be at church or out playing cards,

life at nearly 80 doesn’t sound so very hard!

A Ladies Circle meeting, a jigsaw to complete,

You’re one lady of a certain age that is rushed right off of her feet!

And though you would admit that you prefer to keep those feet on the ground,

Thanks to lovely Rona – you’ve certainly been around!

You’re a well travelled woman courtesy of BA,

New York, South Africa, Hong Kong and first class all the way!

You said you were a nervous passenger which would have explained,

Why those glasses of whisky and brandy were so very quickly drained!

Having a daughter in an airline certainly had the glamour factor,

Sadly all she can offer now is a lift on Peter’s tractor!

And although not quite so prestigious, you come to Darlington by train,

Are you perhaps suffering from nervous passenger syndrome again?

Because even though the train stays grounded on the track,

Gin and Tonic in a water bottle seems to be your favourite snack!

You’d think that over five hours, you’d need the loo to use,

But piddle on public transport? You steadfastly refuse!

But Mum, you deserve to travel anywhere in style,

I remember a certain holiday, even though it’s been a while,

When on your own with your children, you couldn’t face a train or taxi

So cases, kids and camping gear were bundled in our old blue Maxi,

And off you drove to France you did, and there we all went camping,

Don’t know how on earth you coped as it certainly wasn;t Glamping!

But cope you did and we had such fun even though it was quite an endeavour,

It remains fondly in our memories as probably the best holiday ever,

You are an amazing Mum and Gran – not Granny, Nan or Nana,

To Kya, Misha, Amber, Tegan, Rachel, Rory and Anna,

Seven gorgeous grandkids but only ever one wedding,

I’m afraid a fancy hat shop is not where you should be heading!

Don’t wait for a daughter to wed – it just might just take a while,

I expect that one of your grandchildren will beat us up the aisle!

But, at least you donned your chapeau once for the marriage of Alison and Neil,

Let’s hope when you dust it off again, it’ll be in fashion still!

So happy birthday from us all, and also from sister Jill,

And though you might be 80, you are far from over the hill,

In fact might I suggest, if I may be so bold

That if you look at the tins in your cupboard, you’ll find things that are just as old!,

So Mum we all sincerely hope you have a wonderful birthday weekend,

Our love, kisses and hugs – to you, we all send,

However, there was one gift for you that I dearly wanted to wrap,

And present to you today – to sit upon your lap,

Alas, it proved impossible but let me give you a clue,

It’s Yorkshire’s finest product – something you’re quite partial to…

It’s something you’d unwrap slowly, because you’d like to linger,

You’d begin to feel the ‘Groundforce’ and maybe spot a green finger…..

But oh, although I tried – Alan Titchmarsh is tied up

By his wife who steadfastly refused to let him travel up!

We’d hoped that you two could take the floor for a Strictly sexy Rhumba,

Cos just like Colin’s Porsche, you’re a sporty little number!

So here’s to the star of our show, let’s raise every glass in this room,

Happy Birthday to Anne Meldrum – a truly magnificent bloom!

Ode to KCK

She’s a gun toting mama,
She’s a trigger happy baby.
Ask her if she wants to shoot,
she’s never gonna say ‘maybe’.
Cos this gal wan’t happy
till she found herself a gun,
a partnership made in paradise,
her 12 bore is ‘the one’.
Cheek against the barrel,
one shot always slays.
Pheasant, partridge, geese and teal
or minuscule orange clays.
You’ll find her early morning
in a cold and frosty hide
but this girl isn’t yawning
with a shotgun by her side.
She’s everyone’s favourite lady.
At Kinker, she gets lots of loving
(Tho she hasn’t quite worked out
that they want to know what’s in her oven!)
Because Ms Bowie isn’t only
a pretty damn good shot
She’s Kemnay’s super baker
with goodies piping hot.
So to my best shooting buddy
I’d really like to say
you’re a truly lovely lady
who deserves a special day.
Looking forward to an excursion
to Seals’ Cove by the sea
And for your birthday present
lunch will be on me!

Our Baby Girl, Florence, Florrie, Flo

 It was the 21^stApril 2016,

A special day for us and the birthday of the Queen.

We never expected to have a little princess of our own,

Six months on and My, how you have grown.

For nine whole months, I carried you warm and safe,

21 hours to arrive – didn’t want to leave that cosy place!

Finally you appeared, your little pink face a scrunch,

I got my beautiful baby!…And Daddy got a punch!

We love our baby hippo from the bottom of our heart,

You were cute and oh so lovable right from the very start,

You smelled of heat and newborn but how could something so very dear

be snuggled in my arms with poop inside each ear?!

Away you were whisked to the sanctity of ICU,

It’s tough being a baby with an earful of poo!

We worried about you so, although there was no need,

One look at a boobie and you knew just how to feed!

So now you’re growing up, no more milkspots on your nose,

A little Welsh leek that was born an English rose.

But when you’re a teenager with your own hopes and fears,

Will you listen to us or claim still to have poop in both ears?

You’re always be our little one with hiccups and dribbles,

We’ll treasure your laughter when you get tummy nibbles,

You’ll be the centre of our world however old you grow,

Our Florence, our Florrie, our precious baby Flo.

Ode to the Finzean Diva

She’s the Deeside Diva

who gets Finzean in a fever

when she shakes her thang on stage.

Sexier than Shakira,

Beyonce doesn’t get near her

and now she’s reached a certain age.

It was 1976;

flares and paisley wearing chicks.

The world was on the up.

Little Miss Totten was born

and, despite England’s scorn

Scotland beat them for the Calcutta cup!

Miss T blossomed at twenty,

admirers she had plenty.

At thirty, she was flirty and fun.

But now the quine is forty,

still flamboyant and rather naughty…

(She’s had a birthday, not turned into a nun!)

Though born in Glasgow City,

she soon moved to somewhere pretty

and life would never be the same.

From one woman and a cat

to marriage, kids and all that.

She met Kev and took the Christie name.

Now Dad was quite delighted

and got overly excited

at having ‘Julie Christie’ in the fold.

But Dr Zhivago is a step too far,

our JC is more ‘Oom Pah Pah’

and, like Nancy, has a heart of gold.

Before the wedding day,

Julie Totten went out to play,

a rip roaring hennie was all planned.

But declining any booze

due to ‘expectant’ news

meant that rumours were bound to be fanned….

Now she’s a red hot mama

who loves a bit of drama,

but gentlemen, you’d better be warned –

Don’t ever have the nerve

to cast your eye over her curves

because your advances will be absolutely scorned.

Though her Kev is often away

and this ‘mouse’ loves to play,

she has friends and family a plenty.

A girls nights in

with a bottle or wine or gin,

and her nights will not be empty……..(neither will her glass!)

So Happy Birthday, it’s your 40th year.

Revel in the love of those you hold dear

Keep that joyfulness forever in your heart.

You’re the sweetest siren in heels so high,

feet on the ground but head in the sky.

Life begins, so let life’s party start!