Best Man Speech – keep scrolling!

Groom’s Speech – March 2019

Good evening everybody,


You might have noticed that I’m the groom,

And as is traditional I’d like to say,

Thank you all so much or being here,

And sharing our very special day,


I hope you’ve had a wonderful weekend,

A relaxing Saturday and Sunday,

Just think of all those poor sods off to work,

As you quaff champagne on a Monday!


It means so much to have you all here,

Especially those that have travelled far and wide,

To be part of our celebration,

For myself and Sandy, my beautiful bride,


I’ve gained a new family as well as a wife,

Who is amazing and full of charm,

So thankyou to my new in-laws,

Who have welcomed me with open arms,




And to my own parents, Suzie and Tim,

I must your praises sing,

For all your love and support over the years,

In just about everything!


I am your tidy and clever child,

As our guests may have heard,

You were just practicing with the first two kids,

But got it right with your third!


Now your prodigal son is getting married,

Though I’m not the first of my siblings of course,

Our June is very happily wedded,

And Leah would rather stick with her horse!


But seriously a huge thankyou,

For all that you have done,

Especially for help with the house move,

From your ever grateful son,


And, of course I must thank our bridesmaids,

Gemma, Helen, Karen and Joey,

A quartet of prettiness and perfection,

As anyone can see,



Talking of prettiness and perfection,

I’d like to thank each and every Stag,

Who ensured my Spanish celebration,

Went without too  much of a snag.


They introduced me to a Rangers fan named George,

Told him I was an avid Celtic supporter,

By the murderous look on his inebriated face,

I knew I was in hot water!


So thanks to my best man, Paul,

For organising such a great trip,

You may not be very tall,

But you’re the best at companionship,


And now it’s time to talk about Sandy,

The beautiful Mrs Harris, my amazing wife,

You are truly as sweet as candy,

And am just so happy to have you in my life,


You are someone that puts others first,

You are supportive and you are caring,

A former colleague, I still delight,

In the life we are now sharing,



We’ve been lucky to travel far together,

To many exotic places we did roam,

But we’re always happy spending time,

Just us and Archie in our perfect home…


Almost perfect but for one thing,

Her taste in ornaments is somewhat strange,

This horrible looking dragon she puts on show,

I just have to re-arrange,


I’ll admit to hiding it,

Though I’ve never said it to your face,

But, in truth, I’m probably relieved,

That it’s the only dragon around the place!


Now a ‘foodie’, Sandy is definitely not,

She doesn’t get her ‘five a day’,

She prefers a Meat Feast pizza,

And I wouldn’t have her any other way,


She once told me she’d eaten ‘ferret’,

I felt sure that I’d misheard,

I hope that she meant pheasant,

As she is rather a game bird!,



But for all your funny ways,

They are what makes you ‘you’,

Thankyou for marrying me,

Thankyou for saying ‘I do’,


You are wonderful, you are gorgeous,

I love you with all of my heart,

You the best thing that ever happened to me,

And I can’t wait for our married life to start.


Ode to Ollie on the day he marries Lulu Lougher

Firstly, I’d like to say

how much it means to me

That I’ve been chosen today

to be your Best Man……although only No 3


Cast your mind back to 2013

the day before the Clipper Yacht Race

That ‘bromantic’ scene

when I first saw your round and chubby face


Soon we’d be mariners and chums

sailing around the world

Facing storms and the Doldrums

sails trimmed and jib unfurled


I had no knowledge or thought

that you were a Rugby Sevens hero

My interest in the sport

remains as it was…. zero!


We’d both signed up for Clipper

very. very late

While you were definitely not the Skipper

you’d soon be my best Mate


You christened me ‘Squirrel

and it stuck – no ifs or buts

Though let me tell you all

It had nothing to do with me liking nuts


I’d disappear off deck

when spirits did deplete,

Then return with plenty sweets

to give the crew a treat


Ollie thought it handy

and I must be ‘squirrelling’ them in my cheeks

Cos I’d brought enough chocolate and candy

to keep us going for weeks


Competing with Ollie in Team GB

was the best crew to be in

Because one thing was plain to see

Olliealwayswants to win


I knew this for real

when we took part in a driving treasure hunt

Ollie was behind the wheel

and driving like a complete ****…. maniac!


Velocity we gained

around every hairpin bend,

My underpants were stained

but we were the victors in the end


Now I’m not saying Ollie’s obsessed

though some might say it shows

That he’s totally impressed

with the size of my ears and my nose


He stares at my snout

like he’s in a state of hypnosis

And got our crew to come out

all wearing a false proboscis


The Clipper crew were busy organizing

tactics to make headway

While you, mate, were devising

International Big Nose Day!


You might think it’s strange

that he pokes fun at My visage

As he has a face you want to re-arrange

with lips so very very large


If he eats anything with spice

they swell to twice the size

Feed him curry and rice

then seeing them explode is the prize!


But back to sailing tales

Ollie, let me give your memory a jog

Every time we needed a change of sails

you just HAD to write your blog


Now I’m not saying

that duties you have a tendency to shirk

But stick to rugby playing

rather than anything that is deemed hard work


People say I’m a little daft

to agree to a business venture with you

Because I do 98% hard graft

and you tackle the remaining two


However, when it comes to friendship

you really do excel

Providing me with places to kip

Around the world, we got on so well


We shared a ‘party haven’

in the Capital among London’s sights

Music, mayhem and misbehavin

concerts and open mic nights


But with a taste for sailing and adventure

we simply couldn’t rest

Till we embarked on another buttock clencher

we were keen for our next quest


We, and a pimped-up rickshaw called Belle

travelled India bottom to top

Through mountain landslides and roads that were Hell

our taste for exploring didn’t stop


Next Morocco beckoned

with its mountains remote and steep

But Ollie hadn’t reckoned

on finding me in a sauna… fast asleep


All over London, he did roam

needing to get me on our flight

But I was in the ‘Pleasuredrome’

having such a wonderful night


The doorman was feeling jaded

“Straights guys not allowed in”, he liked to gloat,

But was gently otherwise persuaded

when Ollie had him by the throat


Eventually I opened my eyes

and it was only then I knew

Much to my surprise!

I was being sought by Ollie ANDthe boys in blue


Finally, we went

the Atlas Mountains to defeat

We were never more Hellbent

our confidence complete


Approaching the summit, I nearly died

I thought I’d have to stop,

But with you, mate, by my side

you got me to the top


The times that we’ve been lucky to share

have honestly been Heaven

Experiences beyond compare

Even Dubai Rugby Sevens


And how could I forget

the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix?

The most sensational time yet

you said you’d introduce Kylie to me


I was so excited

I was feeling a little bolder

So, without being explicitly invited

I slipped my arm around her shoulder


“Kylie Kylie– I’m such a fan!” I said

and then felt like a total fanny

“That’s not who I am” she snarled

“Actually, I’m Danni!”



So many shared experiences

our ‘bromance’ was going strong

But then something happened quite immense

Lucy came along


So, our living together ended (sob)

and we’re going our own ways

Fond memories of the man I befriended

and our crazy flat sharing days


But I have to tell you, Mate,

and I hope our friendship doesn’t suffer

You’re punching well above your weight

with a woman like Lulu Lougher


I’ve spoken enough about OUR life

lived in a social whirl

You now have the most beautiful wife

and a gorgeous little girl


You’ve met your perfect match

your sails are perfectly set

Batten down the hatch

for your most exhilarating journey yet


Stormy seas you’ll weather

hazards you’ll endure

But you’ll do it all together

because you have a love that’s pure


So, Ahoy there Landlubbers

I’d like to propose a toast

To this pair of star-crossed lovers

the people I love most….


There are tall ships

there are small ships

There are ships that sail the seven seas

But the best ships

are the friendships

so, here’s to Team Sod from me!


With love from Squirrel xxx


Ode to Martin and Nicky on their Wedding day

Good afternoon everybody,

I am honoured to stand here, not just as Best Man,

But also as the ‘Best Brother’,

I’ll deliver my speech as politely as I can,

While trying not to offend our dearest late Mother.


The apple of the eye of our beloved Mum,

Martin brought her constant joy,

While we thought him very slightly tiresome,

He was Mhairi’s blue-eyed boy.


But today she wouldn’t know her son so dear,

It’s a sight that’s rarely seen,

Because it’s the first time in 48 years,

That he hasn’t been wearing green!


I hope you’ve new shoes on, Tinky,

Or you’ll realise your bride’s worst fears,

As your current brogues are a little stinky,

You’ve only had them for 26 years!


With new uppers, liners and soles,

You think they still pass as pretty nifty,

In your wallet, there’s certainly no hole,

Your middle name is Thrifty.



Now Martin’s wee sister, Lynn, and I,

Wondered how we could be related to this loony,

Who fancied himself as a bit of a cool guy,

Perth’s answer to Mr George Clooney!


He’s the oldest in the Bannatyne Clan,

But likes to think he has the looks of a youth,

Take a good look in the mirror, man!

Tnen you might recognise the truth!


All your life you’ve been wheelin’ and dealin’,

You’ve an eye for good looking sheep,

But though like a young ram you’re feeling,

Your face says you’re an antique!


But Nicky loves a relic indeed,

And is partial to a vintage find,

Tho’ a dusty old boy dressed in tweed,

Was probably not what she had in mind!


But you have a heart of gold,

For all that it is worth,

Quaffing with the young and the old,

In the renowned Effie’s of Perth,


Where tea is quite the art form,

They know how to make the perfect brew,

But Earl Grey for you isn’t the norm,

Rather a ciggy and a beer or two,


With a Father, acclaimed at the cattle mart,

You’d think he’d have inherited some skills, at least,

And he’d be pretty canny and super smart,

When choosing a suitable beast.


So to Ireland, he was dispatched,

To purchase ponies for the riding school,

He returned with three horses attached,

Was proud as Punch of his equine haul.


But as he led them from the lorry,

Dad delivered the news with no ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’,

Martin would soon be feeling very sorry,

For not noticing that his ‘ponies’ had nuts!


But now those days are over,

It’s your wedding and we’re all excited,

No longer the Wild Rover,

And, at least, to this one, we’re invited!


Beautiful bride, Nicky, you’re a ten out of ten,

And my brother you adore,

It seems that your taste in men,

Is your one and only flaw.


You’ve known him since you were a teen,

And trying to set him up with your sister,

Wherever you were, he was on the scene,

Plaguing you to be your Mister.


For the Morden maidens, there are five,

All fine formed fillies too,

But Martin went into overdrive,

When he set eyes on you.


And he’s fitted in as one of your clan,

What a stroke of luck he’s had,

To be such a well loved man,

Even approved of by your Dad!


I do hope that your honeymoon ,

won’t be too much of a bore,

Because it’s really very hard to swoon,

Over Martin’s obsession with war!


Nicky will be anticipating,

a romantic City break,

So Marty, don’t keep your wife waiting,

While visits to war memorials you make!


There’s just two things missing today,

But I’m sure you can feel the love,

Of our Mum and Dad – needless to say,

But they will be watching from above,


And now, with my brother I should make amends,

As it’s time to raise a glass,

So ladies, gentlemen, family and friends,

Let’s toast a couple that is truly first class –


To Martin and Nicky.


Personalised Best Man Speech

Unaccustomed to public speaking, i certainly am

especially to this expectant crowd.

But it’s part and parcel of being best man

and of that honour, I’m very proud.

So to ensure my delivery flows as well as the wine,

that my diction is second to none,

I’m going to deliver this speech in rhyme,

I’ll be poetic as I insult everyone!

Now the groom and I go back many years:

15 to be precise.

So I have stories.  Open up your ears!

I’ll try to keep them nice.

Ah, Brucey Bogtrotter, you’re quite a guy,

a lover, not a fighter.

You love to dance, well, you love to try

and you love an Ibiza all-nighter…

We spent heady days, Brucey and I

on that paradise island of sun.

Girls, raves, Vodka, two guys…

Steph, it really wasn’t fun!

But there we were, two skint loons

Driving scooters, looking hot,

Chillaxing to Brucey’s hard house tunes,

Strictly Come Dancing – this was not!

Yes mate, you left your mark on me

I cannot tell a fib,

Not so much the camaraderie

but when you broke my bloody rib!

We shared our secrets you and all,

We’d tell each other all.

Keith, Ruth – I cannot tell a lie,

He crashed your Landy into the wall!

He’d have been safer with a trike,

His parents he couldn’t face,

But thank God for the gardener, Ike,

who rebuilt it and left no trace!

Yes, times were very often wild

at Invery, the house of Mair.

i thought of myself as the Fonz’a 9th child,

(After that many. they probably didn’t care!)

But I was an easy going kid

unlike baby Bruce,

who had to be the best at everything he did

for reasons I could never deduce.

For when he tried to snowblade

He went into a fence,

but still carried on, unafraid,

He really was that dense!

At tennis, he couldn’t keep his cool,

He just wanted to whack it

and I’m not talking about the ball

but what he did with his racquet.

But despite his limitations

and irritating habits,

He puts up with my accusations

and is very rarely crabbit.

And so our ‘bromance’ was going strong

through childhood, adolescence and teens

I thought together we’d always belong…..

but then he met Miss Beans.

He’d met Steph as a little girl

all glittery and sparkly pink,

She made his heart go in a whirl,

as mine began to sink….(little sob).

But it was very many years after

at his sister’s 21st do,

he heard the sound of familiar laughter..

Turned…and admired the view

because here was that lovely quine

with curves and all grown up,

long pink nails, a glass of wine –

from a simmet to a ‘D’ cup..

And Steph liked what she saw too

(well, she’s always been an animal lover)

And was more than ready to say ‘I do’

to her mate’s uncool brother.

It’s true they belong together

just like Gin and Tonic,

which is Bruce’s fave drink ever,

With a strong one, he becomes moronic.

So hats off to you Sweets,

you’ve got the party animal tamed.

He claims he’s a tiger between the sheets,

More like Doctor Dolittle.and aptly named!

I’ve never quite understood it mate

How a bloke like you is so adored?

You’d have served us scampi fries on a plate

So with Steph, you’re really scored.

She’s the woman of your dreams

A lady with style and class,

but no taste in men it seems,

as she’s chosen to marry an……(No, I’m sure it was a wise decision, Steph!)

I’ve insulted you enough Gigolo,

It’s time to make amends,

because really you’re a dynamo

and the very best of best friends.

Now raise your glasses to the happy pair,

I’ve just one thing left to say,

and that’s love and congratulations to Mr and Mrs Mair

on this truly special day.