Best Man Speech – keep scrolling!

Ode to Ollie on the day he marries Lulu Lougher

Firstly, I’d like to say

how much it means to me

That I’ve been chosen today

to be your Best Man……although only No 3

 

Cast your mind back to 2013

the day before the Clipper Yacht Race

That ‘bromantic’ scene

when I first saw your round and chubby face

 

Soon we’d be mariners and chums

sailing around the world

Facing storms and the Doldrums

sails trimmed and jib unfurled

 

I had no knowledge or thought

that you were a Rugby Sevens hero

My interest in the sport

remains as it was…. zero!

 

We’d both signed up for Clipper

very. very late

While you were definitely not the Skipper

you’d soon be my best Mate

 

You christened me ‘Squirrel

and it stuck – no ifs or buts

Though let me tell you all

It had nothing to do with me liking nuts

 

I’d disappear off deck

when spirits did deplete,

Then return with plenty sweets

to give the crew a treat

 

Ollie thought it handy

and I must be ‘squirrelling’ them in my cheeks

Cos I’d brought enough chocolate and candy

to keep us going for weeks

 

Competing with Ollie in Team GB

was the best crew to be in

Because one thing was plain to see

Olliealwayswants to win

 

I knew this for real

when we took part in a driving treasure hunt

Ollie was behind the wheel

and driving like a complete ****…. maniac!

 

Velocity we gained

around every hairpin bend,

My underpants were stained

but we were the victors in the end

 

Now I’m not saying Ollie’s obsessed

though some might say it shows

That he’s totally impressed

with the size of my ears and my nose

 

He stares at my snout

like he’s in a state of hypnosis

And got our crew to come out

all wearing a false proboscis

 

The Clipper crew were busy organizing

tactics to make headway

While you, mate, were devising

International Big Nose Day!

 

You might think it’s strange

that he pokes fun at My visage

As he has a face you want to re-arrange

with lips so very very large

 

If he eats anything with spice

they swell to twice the size

Feed him curry and rice

then seeing them explode is the prize!

 

But back to sailing tales

Ollie, let me give your memory a jog

Every time we needed a change of sails

you just HAD to write your blog

 

Now I’m not saying

that duties you have a tendency to shirk

But stick to rugby playing

rather than anything that is deemed hard work

 

People say I’m a little daft

to agree to a business venture with you

Because I do 98% hard graft

and you tackle the remaining two

 

However, when it comes to friendship

you really do excel

Providing me with places to kip

Around the world, we got on so well

 

We shared a ‘party haven’

in the Capital among London’s sights

Music, mayhem and misbehavin

concerts and open mic nights

 

But with a taste for sailing and adventure

we simply couldn’t rest

Till we embarked on another buttock clencher

we were keen for our next quest

 

We, and a pimped-up rickshaw called Belle

travelled India bottom to top

Through mountain landslides and roads that were Hell

our taste for exploring didn’t stop

 

Next Morocco beckoned

with its mountains remote and steep

But Ollie hadn’t reckoned

on finding me in a sauna… fast asleep

 

All over London, he did roam

needing to get me on our flight

But I was in the ‘Pleasuredrome’

having such a wonderful night

 

The doorman was feeling jaded

“Straights guys not allowed in”, he liked to gloat,

But was gently otherwise persuaded

when Ollie had him by the throat

 

Eventually I opened my eyes

and it was only then I knew

Much to my surprise!

I was being sought by Ollie ANDthe boys in blue

 

Finally, we went

the Atlas Mountains to defeat

We were never more Hellbent

our confidence complete

 

Approaching the summit, I nearly died

I thought I’d have to stop,

But with you, mate, by my side

you got me to the top

 

The times that we’ve been lucky to share

have honestly been Heaven

Experiences beyond compare

Even Dubai Rugby Sevens

 

And how could I forget

the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix?

The most sensational time yet

you said you’d introduce Kylie to me

 

I was so excited

I was feeling a little bolder

So, without being explicitly invited

I slipped my arm around her shoulder

 

“Kylie Kylie– I’m such a fan!” I said

and then felt like a total fanny

“That’s not who I am” she snarled

“Actually, I’m Danni!”

 

 

So many shared experiences

our ‘bromance’ was going strong

But then something happened quite immense

Lucy came along

 

So, our living together ended (sob)

and we’re going our own ways

Fond memories of the man I befriended

and our crazy flat sharing days

 

But I have to tell you, Mate,

and I hope our friendship doesn’t suffer

You’re punching well above your weight

with a woman like Lulu Lougher

 

I’ve spoken enough about OUR life

lived in a social whirl

You now have the most beautiful wife

and a gorgeous little girl

 

You’ve met your perfect match

your sails are perfectly set

Batten down the hatch

for your most exhilarating journey yet

 

Stormy seas you’ll weather

hazards you’ll endure

But you’ll do it all together

because you have a love that’s pure

 

So, Ahoy there Landlubbers

I’d like to propose a toast

To this pair of star-crossed lovers

the people I love most….

 

There are tall ships

there are small ships

There are ships that sail the seven seas

But the best ships

are the friendships

so, here’s to Team Sod from me!

 

With love from Squirrel xxx

 

Personalised Best Man Speech

Unaccustomed to public speaking, i certainly am

especially to this expectant crowd.

But it’s part and parcel of being best man

and of that honour, I’m very proud.

So to ensure my delivery flows as well as the wine,

that my diction is second to none,

I’m going to deliver this speech in rhyme,

I’ll be poetic as I insult everyone!

Now the groom and I go back many years:

XX to be precise.

So I have stories.  Open up your ears!

I’ll try to keep them nice.

Ah, Brucey Bogtrotter, you’re quite a guy,

a lover, not a fighter.

You love to dance, well, you love to try

and you love an Ibiza all-nighter…

We spent heady days, Brucey and I

on that paradise island of sun.

Girls, raves, Vodka, two guys…

Steph, it really wasn’t fun!

But there we were, two skint loons

Driving scooters, looking hot,

Chillaxing to Brucey’s hard house tunes,

Strictly Come Dancing – this was not!

Yes mate, you left your mark on me

I cannot tell a fib,

Not so much the camaraderie

but when you broke my bloody rib!

We shared our secrets you and all,

We’d tell each other all.

Keith, Ruth – I cannot tell a lie,

He crashed your Landy into the wall!

He’d have been safer with a trike,

His parents he couldn’t face,

But thank God for the gardener, Ike,

who rebuilt it and left no trace!

Yes, times were very often wild

at Invery, the house of Mair.

i thought of myself as the Fonz’a 9th child,

(After that many. they probably didn’t care!)

But I was an easy going kid

unlike baby Bruce,

who had to be the best at everything he did

for reasons I could never deduce.

For when he tried to snowblade

He went into a fence,

but still carried on, unafraid,

He really was that dense!

At tennis, he couldn’t keep his cool,

He just wanted to whack it

and I’m not talking about the ball

but what he did with his racquet.

But despite his limitations

and irritating habits,

He puts up with my accusations

and is very rarely crabbit.

And so our ‘bromance’ was going strong

through childhood, adolescence and teens

I thought together we’d always belong…..

but then he met Miss Beans.

He’d met Steph as a little girl

all glittery and sparkly pink,

She made his heart go in a whirl,

as mine began to sink….(little sob).

But it was very many years after

at his sister’s 21st do,

he heard the sound of familiar laughter..

Turned…and admired the view

because here was that lovely quine

with curves and all grown up,

long pink nails, a glass of wine –

from a simmet to a ‘D’ cup..

And Steph liked what she saw too

(well, she’s always been an animal lover)

And was more than ready to say ‘I do’

to her mate’s uncool brother.

It’s true they belong together

just like Gin and Tonic,

which is Bruce’s fave drink ever,

With a strong one, he becomes moronic.

So hats off to you Sweets,

you’ve got the party animal tamed.

He claims he’s a tiger between the sheets,

More like Doctor Dolittle.and aptly named!

I’ve never quite understood it mate

How a bloke like you is so adored?

You’d have served us scampi fries on a plate

So with Steph, you’re really scored.

She’s the woman of your dreams

A lady with style and class,

but no taste in men it seems,

as she’s chosen to marry an……(No, I’m sure it was a wise decision, Steph!)

I’ve insulted you enough Gigolo,

It’s time to make amends,

because really you’re a dynamo

and the very best of best friends.

Now raise your glasses to the happy pair,

I’ve just one thing left to say,

and that’s love and congratulations to Mr and Mrs Mair

on this truly special day.