Ode to Ollie on the day he marries Lulu Lougher
Firstly, I’d like to say
how much it means to me
That I’ve been chosen today
to be your Best Man……although only No 3
Cast your mind back to 2013
the day before the Clipper Yacht Race
That ‘bromantic’ scene
when I first saw your round and chubby face
Soon we’d be mariners and chums
sailing around the world
Facing storms and the Doldrums
sails trimmed and jib unfurled
I had no knowledge or thought
that you were a Rugby Sevens hero
My interest in the sport
remains as it was…. zero!
We’d both signed up for Clipper
very. very late
While you were definitely not the Skipper
you’d soon be my best Mate
You christened me ‘Squirrel
and it stuck – no ifs or buts
Though let me tell you all
It had nothing to do with me liking nuts
I’d disappear off deck
when spirits did deplete,
Then return with plenty sweets
to give the crew a treat
Ollie thought it handy
and I must be ‘squirrelling’ them in my cheeks
Cos I’d brought enough chocolate and candy
to keep us going for weeks
Competing with Ollie in Team GB
was the best crew to be in
Because one thing was plain to see
Olliealwayswants to win
I knew this for real
when we took part in a driving treasure hunt
Ollie was behind the wheel
and driving like a complete ****…. maniac!
Velocity we gained
around every hairpin bend,
My underpants were stained
but we were the victors in the end
Now I’m not saying Ollie’s obsessed
though some might say it shows
That he’s totally impressed
with the size of my ears and my nose
He stares at my snout
like he’s in a state of hypnosis
And got our crew to come out
all wearing a false proboscis
The Clipper crew were busy organizing
tactics to make headway
While you, mate, were devising
International Big Nose Day!
You might think it’s strange
that he pokes fun at My visage
As he has a face you want to re-arrange
with lips so very very large
If he eats anything with spice
they swell to twice the size
Feed him curry and rice
then seeing them explode is the prize!
But back to sailing tales
Ollie, let me give your memory a jog
Every time we needed a change of sails
you just HAD to write your blog
Now I’m not saying
that duties you have a tendency to shirk
But stick to rugby playing
rather than anything that is deemed hard work
People say I’m a little daft
to agree to a business venture with you
Because I do 98% hard graft
and you tackle the remaining two
However, when it comes to friendship
you really do excel
Providing me with places to kip
Around the world, we got on so well
We shared a ‘party haven’
in the Capital among London’s sights
Music, mayhem and misbehavin
concerts and open mic nights
But with a taste for sailing and adventure
we simply couldn’t rest
Till we embarked on another buttock clencher
we were keen for our next quest
We, and a pimped-up rickshaw called Belle
travelled India bottom to top
Through mountain landslides and roads that were Hell
our taste for exploring didn’t stop
Next Morocco beckoned
with its mountains remote and steep
But Ollie hadn’t reckoned
on finding me in a sauna… fast asleep
All over London, he did roam
needing to get me on our flight
But I was in the ‘Pleasuredrome’
having such a wonderful night
The doorman was feeling jaded
“Straights guys not allowed in”, he liked to gloat,
But was gently otherwise persuaded
when Ollie had him by the throat
Eventually I opened my eyes
and it was only then I knew
Much to my surprise!
I was being sought by Ollie ANDthe boys in blue
Finally, we went
the Atlas Mountains to defeat
We were never more Hellbent
our confidence complete
Approaching the summit, I nearly died
I thought I’d have to stop,
But with you, mate, by my side
you got me to the top
The times that we’ve been lucky to share
have honestly been Heaven
Experiences beyond compare
Even Dubai Rugby Sevens
And how could I forget
the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix?
The most sensational time yet
you said you’d introduce Kylie to me
I was so excited
I was feeling a little bolder
So, without being explicitly invited
I slipped my arm around her shoulder
“Kylie Kylie– I’m such a fan!” I said
and then felt like a total fanny
“That’s not who I am” she snarled
“Actually, I’m Danni!”
So many shared experiences
our ‘bromance’ was going strong
But then something happened quite immense
Lucy came along
So, our living together ended (sob)
and we’re going our own ways
Fond memories of the man I befriended
and our crazy flat sharing days
But I have to tell you, Mate,
and I hope our friendship doesn’t suffer
You’re punching well above your weight
with a woman like Lulu Lougher
I’ve spoken enough about OUR life
lived in a social whirl
You now have the most beautiful wife
and a gorgeous little girl
You’ve met your perfect match
your sails are perfectly set
Batten down the hatch
for your most exhilarating journey yet
Stormy seas you’ll weather
hazards you’ll endure
But you’ll do it all together
because you have a love that’s pure
So, Ahoy there Landlubbers
I’d like to propose a toast
To this pair of star-crossed lovers
the people I love most….
There are tall ships
there are small ships
There are ships that sail the seven seas
But the best ships
are the friendships
so, here’s to Team Sod from me!
With love from Squirrel xxx
Personalised Best Man Speech
Unaccustomed to public speaking, i certainly am
especially to this expectant crowd.
But it’s part and parcel of being best man
and of that honour, I’m very proud.
So to ensure my delivery flows as well as the wine,
that my diction is second to none,
I’m going to deliver this speech in rhyme,
I’ll be poetic as I insult everyone!
Now the groom and I go back many years:
XX to be precise.
So I have stories. Open up your ears!
I’ll try to keep them nice.
Ah, Brucey Bogtrotter, you’re quite a guy,
a lover, not a fighter.
You love to dance, well, you love to try
and you love an Ibiza all-nighter…
We spent heady days, Brucey and I
on that paradise island of sun.
Girls, raves, Vodka, two guys…
Steph, it really wasn’t fun!
But there we were, two skint loons
Driving scooters, looking hot,
Chillaxing to Brucey’s hard house tunes,
Strictly Come Dancing – this was not!
Yes mate, you left your mark on me
I cannot tell a fib,
Not so much the camaraderie
but when you broke my bloody rib!
We shared our secrets you and all,
We’d tell each other all.
Keith, Ruth – I cannot tell a lie,
He crashed your Landy into the wall!
He’d have been safer with a trike,
His parents he couldn’t face,
But thank God for the gardener, Ike,
who rebuilt it and left no trace!
Yes, times were very often wild
at Invery, the house of Mair.
i thought of myself as the Fonz’a 9th child,
(After that many. they probably didn’t care!)
But I was an easy going kid
unlike baby Bruce,
who had to be the best at everything he did
for reasons I could never deduce.
For when he tried to snowblade
He went into a fence,
but still carried on, unafraid,
He really was that dense!
At tennis, he couldn’t keep his cool,
He just wanted to whack it
and I’m not talking about the ball
but what he did with his racquet.
But despite his limitations
and irritating habits,
He puts up with my accusations
and is very rarely crabbit.
And so our ‘bromance’ was going strong
through childhood, adolescence and teens
I thought together we’d always belong…..
but then he met Miss Beans.
He’d met Steph as a little girl
all glittery and sparkly pink,
She made his heart go in a whirl,
as mine began to sink….(little sob).
But it was very many years after
at his sister’s 21st do,
he heard the sound of familiar laughter..
Turned…and admired the view
because here was that lovely quine
with curves and all grown up,
long pink nails, a glass of wine –
from a simmet to a ‘D’ cup..
And Steph liked what she saw too
(well, she’s always been an animal lover)
And was more than ready to say ‘I do’
to her mate’s uncool brother.
It’s true they belong together
just like Gin and Tonic,
which is Bruce’s fave drink ever,
With a strong one, he becomes moronic.
So hats off to you Sweets,
you’ve got the party animal tamed.
He claims he’s a tiger between the sheets,
More like Doctor Dolittle.and aptly named!
I’ve never quite understood it mate
How a bloke like you is so adored?
You’d have served us scampi fries on a plate
So with Steph, you’re really scored.
She’s the woman of your dreams
A lady with style and class,
but no taste in men it seems,
as she’s chosen to marry an……(No, I’m sure it was a wise decision, Steph!)
I’ve insulted you enough Gigolo,
It’s time to make amends,
because really you’re a dynamo
and the very best of best friends.
Now raise your glasses to the happy pair,
I’ve just one thing left to say,
and that’s love and congratulations to Mr and Mrs Mair
on this truly special day.